06/11/2020

Last evening around 6 pm, I could feel a panic attack coming on. My heart was beating in my throat. Palpably. Audibly. I did nothing about it. I think I enjoy the mania and chaos to a certain point. It brings me an odd sense of peace knowing that I can put out a little bit of chaos into an already chaotic world. It shouldn't, but it does.


I tried to go to sleep early. My heart was beating so hard and so loud in my throat that I wanted to vomit it out. Unfortunately, even if I tried, all that would come out was stomach acid. Because as much as it didn't want to come out, it also didn't want to go back in. And it wouldn't let anything else in either.


So I lay in my bed, alone, at 10:30 pm, hoping to fall asleep. But my ears were filled with only the sound of my beating heart, which seemed to get louder and louder with each passing second. So I doom scrolled. For hours on end. As one does when they are plagued by the sounds of their own beating heart. Until I realised it was 2 am and I should have been asleep by now.


Sleep didn't come easily either. I woke up twice until I decided there wasn't a point in going back to bed. It was 5:45 am. I kept having nightmares of my family dying or my loved ones getting hurt. I guess that’s what your subconscious rationalises the sound of your heart in your ears as when you're asleep.


I was tired this morning. Perhaps from the lack of sleep. But more likely from the fact that I was still being plagued by the heavy beating of my heart. There is a sense of impending doom in the air today. It could be that there has been a global pandemic that has forced us all inside for the last 8 months, the fact that there may be a war in the 2nd largest world economy, pending their elections, the results of which should have been declared 3 days ago, or the fact that I drank 18 shots of espresso this morning, it was to combat the fatigue, while all it did was make me tired, but in hyper speed.


The coffee added to the heart beating too. And now I've broken out in a cold sweat. My hands are freezing cold and soaking wet. I wash my hand every 10 minutes hoping that is going to help, but it doesn't. I may consider dehydration if I continue to be covered in this dewy layer of perspiration for any longer than today.


A "today" that is beautiful. A "today" that is yellow. The type of yellow that you see in teen beach films where you know everyone is going to have the time of their lives. A cinematic, edited by a colourist that went to college to learn how to make things look this beautiful yellow.


But no bright colours, nor the chirping of the birds sitting on the palm trees, heavy with fruit, can drown out my heart beating in my ears.

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